2018
12.04

postmortem

[I accidentally wrote a bunch of really angry words today, but they weren’t about or for anyone in particular, they just suddenly welled up in my throat like vomit and I have no idea why.  But here we are, and here this thing is.

I don’t think there is anything in here worthy of a CW, but let me know if this assessment is wrong.  It’s very angry and unpleasant, though.]

my ears just want to vomit up
all your fancy introspection
I care nothing about this post-mortem you write
about this love we had like it was a bug
not a feature
and all the thoughtful nods from the
audience as they are humming and aaahing
as they sincerely believe they are getting it,
this thing they could never grasp, never close,
never to close their hand around, never crush the life out of
nodding along as they close their hearts
I want to sleep through your lecture as you stand there and pretend
that you are the reasonable one
of course you are, you’re composed while I’m decomposing
I’m falling apart the way you are not, I’m a screeching thing trying
to drown your voice out as you tell the room you tried loving me once:
now you have your slides showcasing what was wrong and you tried so hard but with hardware like me
there’s only so much you can change
so you pretend I could not change
when the truth is we both did and you forgot what you asked me to be
and now you can fold me up like
unwanted summer furniture all you like, stuff me into your shed, hang me like a skeleton in a closet
and shine a light on me
bright enough to pierce my skin, to lay bare the teethmarks on my bones
no matter, that doesn’t matter, you can fold me up small and insignificant like a love letter that
accidentally fall in
behind the fridge, to be found years later
by a new tenant
no, miss me with your introspection and all your damned regrets, and I will miss you, I will miss
you, I will miss with the arrows I’ve made of my bones
and the glances that I sharpened to daggers
all will miss you, I’m just a footnote in your life now too far away from the main text, reduced to
this afterthought
you think is an epiphany
but you can keep it, you can keep all of this, keep it there
far away from me, close your heart around it like a tree around the axe
I can bend, but I’m not like you
or your cowardly spine: I’m not easily broken under the weight
and I can never forgive yours for giving in or you for giving up
so close your heart, just close and lock it, lock it tight,
I’ll let you keep it
all I ask and ever asked is you stop talking about me as if I was a mistake
not worth making

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